Why I don’t go to your church- Kalu Emmanuel Ukaegbu

I saw papa Jumbo yesterday, he had his bible in his hand,
He was wearing a long sleeve shirt, and a trouser that sweeps the floor.
He was with sister Kate, her head tie as tight as a knot.
I was on my front door, when they announced they had a message for me,
I listened with rapt attention, as they told me of God’s love for me.

I saw papa jumbo today, he was in his Taxi,
He was wearing a T-shirt, and a short to match,
He was calling for passengers and I jumped in with Mike,
I was happy to see him, but I guess he didn’t recognize me.
En route to the park, a passenger asked him to stop, having forgotten her purse,
He cursed the passenger out, and told her to remind her mum how foolish she was.
Anxiously, I picked courage “Oga, she forgot her purse, she didn’t mean to start a war?”
“That girl might be stupid, but I’m sure you are”.

We got to the market and I saw sister Kate,
Her beautiful head tie around her waist, and her hands on a customer’s collar,
“Madam leave my shirt” the customer cried,
“Idiot, you think I am your mate, my last born will come for you”
I was worried about what I saw, but their message the day before got to me,
I decided to visit their Bible Study class, hoping to calm my nerves.

During the prayer time, everyone started to speak in tongues,
I knew it was a sham, when I turned around from my seat and saw papa Jumbo arrive,
He closed his eyes, and “sherimamamamafakadatadata”,
like the Holy spirit was just waiting for him to close from work.
I sat for Bible study, and after the ten minutes sermon, of which I didn’t hear a bible passage.

We gave six consecutive offerings,
The service offering, and the welfare offering,
The Thanks giving offering, and the Charity offering
I got angry and didn’t care for the name of the other offerings,
since the previous ones had emptied my pocket.

After I left, I saw a woman, with her trousers and long nails and all the makeup in the world,
Her long weavon behind her and no head tie on her head,
she was talking to a crippled man beside the road, and I went closer to listen too.

The man was smiling when she left him and went to his blind partner,
She had given him a thousand Naira, and a food to eat,
She hugged the standing blind man and gave him too,
“Aunty, which church do you attend” I asked amazed by what I saw,
“I’m a pagan, and why do you ask?”
“I love your church, can I come with you?”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kalu Emmanuel Ukaegbu a.k.a Dede UK is a law student, comedian, ghost writer and videographer. He insists he is a Tiktok moon not a Tiktok star but you can check his page @dedeuk to find out?